Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
