Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
