Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
