I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You are the jesus of drinking
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
