We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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