I swear she didn't look like that last week.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
