We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
