I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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