new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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