remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
