pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
