i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
