its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Only a mothe r could love this liver
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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