whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
