I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
