I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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