It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
