Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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