The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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