sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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