Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
