Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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