Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
