When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
