im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
