My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
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