So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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