my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
