3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
