Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
