I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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