Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
