She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
