living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
