between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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