im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
