Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
