I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
