I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
