Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
