Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
