My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
