Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
