he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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