I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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