I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
