We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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