My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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