i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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