my vag is so smooth its legendary
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
